Monday, February 20, 2006

Mixed Feelings

Last Saturday I was one day delayed.

I am never delayed.

So I panicked. I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready for this.

But if it comes to that, I want a little girl.

Denial- This is impossible! Derrick "Well, Joaquin came as a complete surprise too, you know"

Oh shit (booming in my head over and over)

Selfish thoughts. The flat is too small, I'm not my ideal weight yet, I have job prospects, Journeys to make, Countries to explore, Things to do.

Went out and bought a pregnancy test. Was going crazy waiting for that telltale spot and cramps that always preceded it. Could'nt wait another day, or two.

Scolded Joaquin as he jumped on my belly! There might be a tiny being in there!

The test turned out negative.

I was crushed. Heartbroken. Derrick "I thought you said you weren't ready? Should'nt you be relieved?"
Me "I'm a woman. We are contradictory beings. We are impulsive, and worriers, and maternal and on and on I went"

For all my selfish thoughts, anxieties and feelings of unpreparedness, deep down, in a place I didn't want to explore or acknowledge, there was yearning pala. Sigh.


Blogger Bandit said...

Ah ha!!! (that's all I have to say for now) more grilling on Thursday!

10:41 PM, February 21, 2006  

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