Friday, October 14, 2005

I don't get it

Maybe he was hot as Legolas, but did Orlando Bloom really deserve to be the biggest breakout star out of Lord of the Rings? I mean jeez, strip him of his long blond wig and elvish elan and you're left with a scrawny, scruffy man-boy who wilts onscreen and projects nothing so much as bewilderment, helplesness and vacuity. No cocksure swaggering charm here; even his voice is wispy. When Menelaus roared, "You left me for this???" to Helen, you have to agree.

Legolas gets the A-list directors and big-budget movies. In the meantime, King Aragorn gets this dud, the divine Boromir is back to playing bad guys in crappy movies, Frodo is playing creeps and psychopaths, and the honorable, heart-breaking Samwise Gamgee is 4th-billed as Drew Barrymore's lisping body-builder younger brother in an amnesia comedy. Ok so it was a funny movie and he was great in it, but still...

When you think "big movie star," you think in terms of box office figures: which name is attached to the biggest box office numbers, which actor draws them in? You might think Tom Hanks (average US gross $99.8m), Tom Cruise ($101.5m), Jim Carrey ($106m), Will Smith ($120.2m). But Misters Hanks, Cruise, Carrey and Smith only rank numbers 16, 15, 14 and 10 respectively in the list of actors' average movie grosses. Orlando Bloom is a lofty number 4 ($217.1m), trailing only the three Harry Potter kids who, you know, are never again going to be in anything nearly as big as the Potter movies -- except maybe Emma Watson who is just gorgeous and kicks ass onscreen.

Now these numbers are not to be read literally: just because an actor is in a big hit, doesn't mean he's the reason people go see it. To wit, check out the numbers on this craptasia. The director's pissed off but methinks his pissed-offedness is misdirected. Orlando Bloom shoots arrows while bantering playfully with a dwarf, mister, he's a secondary character who provides comic relief. He doesn't lead an army of crusaders into the promised land. If you didn't see that while shooting the movie, you deserve what you get.

I think that Orlando will get his comeuppance really soon. Maybe as soon as this weekend when this movie tanks. And tanking alongside him will be his female counterpart, the pretty and spiritless Ms Knightly who, for crying out loud, does not have the weight -- emotional or physical -- to play a rich spoiled brat lesbian model turned bounty hunter. Her, I don't get either.


Blogger shyguy said...

Here, here! I totally agree with everything you just wrote -- can't stand the brunette, girly-man, Orlando (bring back that blonde mane!) and that Kiera looks like a vampire when she smiles -- she actually has fangs!!

4:28 PM, October 14, 2005  
Blogger shyguy said...

MY top ten list of GREAT actors, in no particular order:

William H. Macy
Chris Cooper
Jack Black
Ed Harris
Viggo Mortensen
Philip Seymour Hoffman
Naomi Watts
Harvey Keitel
Gary Oldman
Benicio Del Toro

4:41 PM, October 14, 2005  
Blogger mayapapaya said...

See?? See??? This is why I love you, Shy! Yes to everyone on your list! And of course:

Christopher Walken (the Master!)
Ewan MacGregor (so he's pretty ... I don't know, I just like him)
Hugh Laurie (my new celebrity crush)
Cate Blanchett (never less than awesome in anything she does)

Maybe a rank below, but only because I haven't seen enough of them in roles I like them in:
Sean Bean (broke my heart as Boromir)
Christian Bale (insanely perfect as Batman)

And Jack Black is a comic genius, and I adore him, but I want to add Jim Carrey and Bill Murray to the list of great comic actors.

7:00 PM, October 14, 2005  
Blogger shyguy said...

Of course...I forgot to add all those guys (and Cate) as well!! Btw, Ewan is not only pretty...he's also extremely, ahem, you know what I gotta WATCH Pillow Book!

10:21 PM, October 14, 2005  
Blogger ragamuffin girl said...

i have to mention that i love al pacino, edward norton, kevin spacey, john cusack , ralph fiennes and most definitely the quirky, eccentric, pretty-boy-turned serious-actor-turned-gentleman farmer johnny depp. gary oldman, yes! i find him sexy, by the way.;-)

10:00 PM, December 10, 2005  

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